Zimmerman

Do you ever hate when you can't get someone out of your head?

That beautifully sculpted face can't seem to depart from my thoughts, much less my life. I miss seeing that face everyday, criticizing my every move. I miss those eyes squinting at me from behind black tinted shades, those full lips spitting back statements of false flattery. What a fool that I am for loving someone so bitter; how naive a girl can be for loving a boy she knows nothing about.

I miss his hands touching my back, his eyes staring wonderfully into mine, his mouth moving briskly to keep up with his thoughts. His words, which were so softly spoken, carried with them through the airwaves a sadness that had impacted my sensitive ego. He was so charming in every breath, stride, smile, wink, I wanted all of him to be for me only. He made me selfish and I loathe him for it. I loathe him for making me sad and pushing me away the more I tried to be close to him.

I loathe myself for leaving him for someone who wasn't nearly as beautiful. I loathe myself for letting him go. I envy her for being with the person I miss so deeply. I miss the things we used to do together and I can't stand the thought of her taking my place. I want my love back and I can do nothing about it but watch him love her.

Metamorphisis

It's nothing but a phase.
Don't worry dear, you'll be okay.

Eloquence

When they come, all darkness will fade.
Light will penetrate your foggy eyes
And will reflect back a color you've never seen before.
An illusion, you may think. A dream, definitely not.
Your idea of a reality is a figment of your perverted thoughts.
To you, nothing exists and no one is anyone.
Confusion clouds your mind when pondering about the life you live.
It's too bad all the time you spend alive is time spent dying.


I'm not very ladylike. I say "fuck" too often.
I guess it's okay because I dress myself very modestly.

Someone told me that I'm a literary romantic; how romance is portrayed in books, that's me. It makes sense because I'm heavily influenced by the books I read.
I love the thought of love. I like the thought of romance. I picture myself dating different guys all the time, but I can never take guys seriously because I can never take myself seriously. It's sad, it really is.

Sadness

I have so much to say but I don't know how to verbalize my thoughts. I don't know what to do anymore. I miss so many people and it makes me really sad to think about them. Why do they have to move on? Why can't I move on?

Sunday Funday

I need to stop smoking weed and start studying.
Parents still aren't home.
I'm reading Frankenstein right now and talking to Joe.
Fuck Mondays.

Mischief

My parents are in Vegas this weekend and Naomi and Jon spent the night. Jon is a boy. What the hell?

Busy Bee.

There's so much to do in such little time!

1. AP Psychology test
2. Government test
3. Vocabulary Quiz
4. Journal Entry
5. Literature Log
6. Math homework

F my life.

Statues.

How cool would that be to have something named after you?
I'm not talking about stars or your best friend's children. No, I'm talking about a building or a bench or a swing set.

Hey, let's meet at a park?
Which one?
Mandy's Hill.
Kay.

Hella dank. If you're ever named after something, you know someone really loves you or you're really important.

Rainy day two.

What's today? Wednesday?
Another day off from school and I feel great.

Yeah, I have nothing interesting to say.

Rainy day.

I just realized how creepy I look sitting alone in a dark house on the soft corner of my couch listening to the sad drones of Gin Wigmore. I haven't eaten anything since eleven this morning and I'm feeling shaky from the coffee I drank earlier. I never realized how noisy the house is, the doors have a creaky sound and open by themselves (my house isn't haunted, it's just the wind coming in from the garage and open windows), the stairs seem to have a strange thudding noise every few hours, and the fridge drops ice into the water tray like clockwork, and it doesn't help that it's raining out.

I didn't go to school today because it's raining and I absolutely hate wet weather. I woke up at 6:15, heard the rain, and thought to myself Fuck that, I'm staying home. Surprisingly my mom was fine with that and told me to make some soup for lunch, which I didn't do.
I'm feeling a little apathetic today. Maybe because I'm in my pajamas and read pointless news on this app I just downloaded. Oh well.

Homecoming is coming up. Sally has asked me to go with her group and I reluctantly agreed. Then she suggested that she find me a date because "it's my senior year". I don't mind going with a date but I have no idea who she is going to find for me. I think this would be considered a blind date, which could be weird... It actually is weird.

Black males are more likely than any other male to leave their families. I don't know why I just thought of that...

Fare thee well

What would you say if you were on your deathbed right now?
Would you apologize to everyone you were mean to? Would you expect those people to apologize to you?
Would you tell everyone how grateful you are and how much you love them?
Or will you tell them how much you regret not acting upon you're impulses or desires?

If I were on my deathbed, I would be terribly scared. But I'd also be at a happy peace with nature, just knowing that I won't have to deal with the depressions of the World. This Earth is going everywhere but up, I wouldn't want to be living here within the next 20-30 years. Who knows what kind of power pollution will have then?

I don't really know what I'd say, though. I would probably make amends with my first friends in high school. I think I'd apologize to a lot of people that had once a significant place in my life. I'd apologize for being an awful person and just forgetting them as if we never knew each other. It sucks, because now thinking back on all my friends, I miss every single one of them.

I think I'm satisfied with my life, I mean I'm only seventeen, so what can I really do besides smoke weed and go to school? I'm content with my friends right now and I have some cool parents. I'd be sad to leave these people behind but I think when you die, you're somehow reunited with other humans in a spiritual world.

My heaven consists of a grassy hill with a large apple tree; ripe apples fallen on the ground, resting silently in the grass. Lauren, the old family dog, will be waiting for my arrival. He'll greet me cheerfully and we'll lay in the comfort of the tree's shade.
I think it is in heaven where I will become more literate and more of an intellectual. I'll stop caring about other people and I'll just wait patiently to meet my friends and family again. My heaven is a place that I would choose over any other, any day.

So may I, and will I definitely, rest in sweet peace.

Femina

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I feel so overwhelmed with so many emotions, it's hard for me to take in.
I feel so sad and regretful. I feel nostalgic and anxious. I don't know what's overcome me.
One minute I feel like crying, then I do cry, and then after a few tears I'm perfectly fine.
This is so weird, I hate feeling like this. I'm so stressed out, I don't feel like doing anything at all, ever...at least, not for a while.
I'm a little bummed about my weekend, I don't know if I should feel embarrassed, be upset, or just be completely indifferent to it all. I don't know, I really don't know.
Naomi told me to get over it but I can't just forget it at the snap of a finger. It will definitely take me a while to forget this one, especially if it still has this much of an effect on me. I never realized how hateful such words can be. I despise girls who degrade other girls out of jealousy.

First of all, I'm not twelve, I'm seventeen years old.
Second, I'm a size three, not a fucking thirteen.
Third, I'm a girl, not a little boy.

I'm not a nasty slut, either. Bitch doesn't know shit. I was trying to be nice to her dumb ass.

Oh my goodness, all of my self-confidence has been depleted to almost nothing.
I'm going to be so insecure the next time I go out with Naomi.
I probably won't want to face her friends at all after this.
I hate that I can't defend myself. I hate that I get scared so easily, but I don't like fighting, not even verbally.

Oh my god, I'm being torn apart and according to my sister, that's exactly what they want to happen. Fuck jealous insecure people.

As lame as this may sound, I need a hug.

WTF

That's all I have to say about last night.
I fucking hate everyone.
Thanks for the broken ego, you dumb bitch.
Grow some fucking balls and quit being so fucking stupid.
Grow the fuck up you indecisive jerk.

Goddamnit. It sucks to be me right now.
Why the fuck did I even go?

These people are so dumb.
I don't even understand why people hate other people. I don't understand why girls hate me.


On a lighter note. I love Naomi.
Mandy: I don't want to get shit faced high.
Naomi: Wait, what is that? Did you just make that up?
Mandy: I think I did. I don't even know what shit faced high is.
Naomi: Neither do I.
The next day.
Naomi: Fuck, I was so high.
Mandy: Lets not ever get shit faced high again.

Malfunctioned gaba

I'm sort of obsessed with epistolaries as well as dictionary.com

Why can't I go to sleep at a decent time anymore?

I need a psychology tutor. Real bad.

Happy day.

During fifth period I asked Mr. Mason to look at my resume. He said "Oay, just a second."
So while I was waiting, Mark asked Samantha and me if our Frankenstein books smelled weird. So Samantha smelled hers and said "Yeah, it smells really old."
Then I smelled mine as Mr. Mason was walking up my aisle. As I removed the book from my face he says, "Did you just smell your book?" in this really uncomfortable tone.
I was pretty embarrassed.


Naomi was over earlier.
I told her that I was happy to be spending time with her. Right after I said that she said "Okay, lates!"

Thanks home gurl.


Ms. Owens is honestly one of the best teachers I have ever had. She makes the best jokes and let's me do whatever I want. Today I had to make wedding decorations for a bridal shower she has this weekend. Then we gossiped about men and botox. She is the absolute best!


There was a quiz during fifth period. I pretty much aced it.
1. What color is my shirt?
Answer: Blue
2. What period is this?
Answer: Fifth
3. What is my last name?
Answer: Mason
4. What is the date today?
Answer: October 14th 2010
5. What is the first word of the ninth chapter?
Answer: Nothing

Luck

As long as you have good intentions, you'll be okay.

Rude

Don't be rude, please. It isn't polite.

STFU Already.

Okay so listen to this:
I was sitting on a bench today by myself during fourth period and I was playing a game on my iPad. This guy named Deiji walks by with some girl and when he sees me he starts talking a bunch of shit blah blah blah."Look at her, she thinks she's so cool. She doesn't even have friends, no one likes her..."

Anyway, he doesn't like me anymore because I supposedly chose some other guy over him which is a really dumb reason because I had no interest in him whatsoever. So at first he started becoming really possessive and clingy, and one day he comes up to me and says "Mandy, we need to talk. Now."
So I was thinking to myself What the hell? I'm not your girlfriend. But being the nice person that I am, I ended up saying "Not now Deiji. I have to do my homework."
And then he said "Wow, alright Mandy. Well this is goodbye...forever...I mean it this time."
Uhh okay?? Weird.

Okay, back to my point.
I'm not bothered by him, but I told my mom anyway and she just told me to stay away from him, that he's weird, whatever, all that mom stuff.
I guess she told my dad about what happened, because he came in to my room and said "Dont worry about that guy. People are just jealous because you're pretty and you have things...Want me to tell him something? I'll drive by him at your school...You get five points for hitting a black person."
Hahaha omg. My dads cool.

Suicidal

I'm obsessed with falling.
Everytime I see a building, cliff, or tall tree I imagine to myself what it would be like to fall off it. I'm not interested in dying or anything, just the feeling of anticipation and fear to know that eventually the peaceful fall is going to come to an end. It all seems so harmless to me, and yet it's so terribly tragic. Sort of ironic, huh?

Undone

Backseats are for lovers...they really are.

Dear Naomi,
What did you mean by "write about something important?" What, to you, is important?
Hmm... My imagination needs to be more productive.



I was writing this thing called Unworthy. I wrote it because my best friend at the time wanted to see what kind of stuff I write. I stopped because he stopped talking to me for some absurd reason. I think he was like my inspiration for Unworthy. He's sort of what kept it going. I really want to finish it and print it out because some of the stories I wrote weren't too bad. I need another inspiration. I need to talk to someone interesting and read some more books.

Dear miserly sir,
How can I be of importance to you? I received your letter in the mail on a Tuesday afternoon right after I got home from work. There was only one envelope sitting at the bottom of my mailbox, I thought to myself that it must be one the mailman had left behind. I reached inside and pulled out the envelope. On it, I saw your name written neatly on the right hand side. "Mr. Carlow," I said to myself, "sounds familiar..."
As I walked towards my house, I thought more in depth about the familiar name sitting on the manila envelope.


I don't feel like finishing that letter...it sounds forced to me.
My brain is fried.

"Wanna see my view of Paris?"
"Okay."
-Hotel Chevalier

Ojareuipjgsiunvdr

As I write this, I sit on the floor in my underwear with my head hung and my iPad in between my legs...Naomi and I were supposed to go out and then she just suddenly went MIA.

I guess I can workout and clean my room. I have company coming over tomorrow to work on a project. I feel like reading tonight. After my jog I'm going to drink something cozy and read On the Road and Frankenstein.

I noticed I've been saying "I feel..." a lot. I read my horoscope and it said that's normal for a cancer.

Today my license came in the mail. I really need to retake the picture.
I also looked at cars. I only liked the VW Jetta and the Mazada 3. All the other cars that I might've liked had cloth seats...I just want to drive already!

Ayo for yayo I gotta checkout.

Unknown.

Mandy. Spelled with a Y. Enriquez. E-N-R-I-Q-U-E-Z.

Well, who are you?
I don't fucking know.

Why does everyone ask that question?
And why is that every time that question is asked it's always answered back with a name? Your name doesn't define who you are.
Just tell the person to find out for themselves. And if they don't have the time to do so, then they can use their imaginations.

I'm so moody, it's ridiculous.


I'm feeling really lonely tonight...
I'm going to write God a prayer.

Dear God,
I'm fine, thanks. Thanks for giving me a friend. I appreciate it.
I know I haven't been to church lately, but that's why I'm writing you. So you can see that I still have some faith...I'll work on my attitude, I promise. Christmas is coming up soon, what should I get Jesus?...Nothing? Oh wow, okay.

P.S
I hope you aren't offended by my collection of Buddhas.



I was just thinking about that night I met Daniel and how he said something about me opening up to him. That's something I never do. I never open up to anyone. So it was weird for me to just talk to this person I just met and tell them a lot about myself. I wonder why I did that. The alcohol isn't really to blame. I've been drunk before and I've never gotten that deep.

Oh, this funny little thing called trust. Thank you Jack for ruining that for me... I would also like to thank Dantes.

What do you do when a friend betrays you?
-nothing. I don't care enough to do anything.
Why not?
-because if they're going to betray me then they obviously aren't important.



I like to obsess over people that I barely know. But I don't let them know that because that'd be really weird. I scare a lot of boys away and I don't know why.



I like writing here. I can vent to no one in particular.



Do you ever think of the world?

Amicus

Donde esta Naomi?
I miss my home girl :(
I feel like she's physically present but mentally she's checked out. I think she misses Santa Ana.

Danielle, my sister, and I are becoming closer. I like being close to my sisters because they're both very nice and they help me out a lot. I'm going to see Brianna this weekend and hang with little Matix. He's going to be two years old next Saturday.

Homecoming...I don't think I'm looking forward to that. I don't like dancing with those boys. If I take Dymond I won't have to worry about dirty little boys grinding on me haha.

I really want to go to Spain.
I'm starting to like my Mexican background. My family is cool.

I've been wanting to go to the arboretum but I don't want to go alone. I need to find someone to take with me so we can look for that cool tree.
"I hate nature, it's so unnatural." Oh Bob Dylan! You're so peculiar.


I confronted my mom about being judgmental yesterday. She wasn't too happy about that.
"If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all."
My mom used to write me letters in my binder and on my homework so when I'd go to school I would read them and it would make my day a little better. But she hasn't done that recently and I sort of want her to.

I want to join writer's club. Not art club or fashion club.
I only joined those clubs because my friends told me to.
I'm easily peer pressured.
No good...no bueno.

Amorous blues.

I'd love to be with an artist so he could appreciate me for all my curves and lines.
I heard that in a movie once and I really liked it.

I was having a conversation with someone today about relationships and I realized a lot of people aren't serious about each other. I know I'm too young and everything, but I want to fall in love with someone. But the only way I can like someone is if I can potentially see myself marrying them...is that weird?
Actually...I don't think that's weird at all. I just don't want to waste time on someone who is going to fuck around and break my heart. It saddens me that most people don't take love seriously. I think love should be a sort of taboo...people should only say it if they mean it. I know that's a cliche thing to say but it's true. Parents should teach their children the importance of love and how to express their emotions towards someone.

I wish my parents were more affectionate towards one another. Then maybe I'd be more open about public displays of affection. I love when I'm touched and kissed but I'm very hesitant to kiss and touch someone back. In past relationships this has been a big problem but I just can't seem to help it. I've been trying to work on it but it's hard to change when you grow up thinking that you shouldn't be affectionate in public.

My goal is to one day fall in love with someone.
I hate those relationships that only last three months.
I can't expose myself to someone and then just break up. I hate that they carry my secrets and wishes and desires with them. Perhaps they're nice enough to not say anything, but you never
know.
If I get into a relationship with someone it has to be for real. One hundred percent.
I only like to please and make sure my boyfriend is happy. I'm not really insecure or anything but if I need to change I will...that probably isn't a good thing but I think I'd do anything to try to make the relationship last. Unless, of course, it's completely clear that we just aren't compatible together.



Hmm, it's funny how this topic came about. I write too much.

Feliz

This is literally what's going through my mind:



I think I'm too happy to think haha.

Began to begin

What once was Earth, soon was purgatory, later to be known as hell.
I've been slowly letting myself go into the depths of solitude.
Frolicking in the hungry flames of an angry meadow,
Picking coal for a God that is inconspicuous.
I hold hands with a man that has stained my hands with sin...

I'm thinking of thinking,
Dreaming to dream,
Planning to plan.
Those are my new hobbies that I have began to begin.

In conclusion to the factors that you are female, you will never be able to achieve your life's goals. I appreciate your audacity but as your doctor, I suggest that you take interest in other subjects such as knitting, cooking, and house cleaning... You know, just to be safe.

"Just because you're pretty doesn't mean people are going to like you."
"I know."


I met someone over the weekend. He is very kind and is honest with his words. I've taken a great interest in him...in the things he says. He's good people.
"If we're all made of the same thing then shouldn't we all like each other?" -D. Garcia