Thursday, December 30, 2010

Donnie Darko

"This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that Cellar Door is the most beautiful."

"Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?"
"Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"

"The children have to save themselves these days because the parents have no clue."

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I was going through my photo library and I take a lot of pictures of myself.

I used Picasa 3 to edit these bad boys.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


"Just because I'm poor don't mean I can't be a snob" -Cold War Kids

I'm going to Universal Studios tomorrow! I'm thuper ethited.

My aunt gave my cousins and I wine and vodka so we could get in the Christmas spirit. Haha oh god.
We all sang Christmas songs and I danced for everyone. It was all very embarrassing.

Christmas Day was uneventful. Everyone just came over and told each other their financial problems. My mom announced to my dad and I that she wants a baby chinchilla for Christmas next year. That'd actually be really cool because they're cute, but when we asked her why she wanted one, she said, "So when it dies, I can make a little clutch purse out of it." Wow.

I just saw Tron with my dad. The graphics were cool but the dialogue could've been better.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Feliz Navidad

Tapan, my guitar teacher, is teaching me how to play Purple Haze on my super cute pink guitar. Exciting.

I heard somewhere that Jesus wasn't even born on the 25th. "Christmas" is a Pagan holiday...?
I don't know, I haven't done any reading on this so I'm just saying what I heard.

Someone sent me nude photos! That's the best gossip I've got.

I made tamales today. Super-Mex. Jajaja (Spanish laugh)

Dorian Galagy

Dory is a fast little girl; she's always on the run. She runs from everyone she meets, all her mothers (rude) critiques, all the men who look her way, and very pivotal parties. She's very well aware of this (she's very observant), but she just doesn't seem to care. Fortunately, she understands what's important and what is expected of her, so she is sure to fulfill most of her responsibilities. Dory has never been outstanding in anything she's ever done, only satisfactory, and she's okay with that because she knows that nothing ever matters, that everyone will forget and everyone will move on.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Under the influence, above the ignorance.


"There are three types of people in the world: Geniuses, idiots, and both."

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Walkmen

I called you only to hear you say, "Hello?"
Then I called you again to hear your voice one more time.
I tried once more but you didn't answer.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Chicken noodle soup is a placebo because I don't feel better.
Mucinex and motrin followed by robitussin three hours later will definitely make you loopy.
I hate being sick.

Monday, December 13, 2010


Is there such thing as being neither in nor out of love?
School sucks. Loathing is philosophical.
I'm a train fallen off it's rails. Chaos.

"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." -Socrates


I'm torn between my best friend and my mother.
It's hard to make them both happy.
So I'll choose neither.

What are you doing right now?
-Watching television.
Get naked.
-I am.
Good, now picture me on top of you, kissing you, running my fingers through your hair.
-Don't tease me.
Why, tempting?
-No, annoying.
Well I think it's amusing.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


In your prayers, all my sins are remembered.
I translated Shakespeare.

I'm having an affair with my guitar. I love the way my fingers slide against it's smooth long neck. The way my arm hangs over it's body to provoke the sounds I wish to hear. And especially the way my hands adjust the head into the right position for the perfect pitch.

Give daddy a spankin' for being naughty.
Christmas ain't comin' to our town anymore.
-Thank god.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The new black

They say when a crow comes cawing at your doorstep that death is imminent. Well, what does it mean when there's twenty crows flying around school campus and you're the only person to notice?

I wonder if anyone can hear what I'm thinking. I've been told I'm a very obvious person, meaning I'm cliche. It's true though, I am, but I don't mind because unpredictable people scare me to the point of immaculate blindness. Just the thought is too much for me to consume.

My disease bothers you.
I like that.
Can you imagine a world without pictures? No one would ever know what you look like in different moments of your life... You could die and no one would know you ever existed. We'd all become hunters just like our ancestors did before Columbus made his great discovery.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Why does God let good people suffer and bad people prosper?

Monday, December 6, 2010


You have to be in love to make love.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Night terror

"I could live off a kiss and cuddle for quite some time"
"I want to meet a girl who wants to be loved by me"
Two very simple desires by a simple man.

I went to a comedy show with Alex. One particular comic seemed to take a great interest in me because he wouldn't stop staring. Then he went on about my eyebrows looking like two angry seagulls about to fuck each other. He also said my eyes were like mermaids ready to do something... I don't know, that man was crazy but very funny. That was a nice Friday night.

So it's raining here in the lovely Southern California, which is pleasant for the natives' crop. But if you live in the city, then it ain't so great.
...What the hell am I talking about?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Tight Pants.

Dear Dream-Killer,
Please remember that I am your daughter and all the criticism that you think is "constructive" is actually rude. Just sayin'.

Sunday, November 28, 2010


It's been way too long...
I was grounded for butt-dialing my mom. Let's do some catching up, yeah?

1. Taryn messages me saying, "bitch you have it coming." She apologized after and explained that she was just mad and decided to take her anger out on me.

2. Naomi was sort of living with us... And now she's not. My mom grounded her too.

3. Brady became good company

4. Spent my Thanksgiving break going to work with my mom. Anne is such a pain in the ass! Oh my god.

5. Started talking to someone ;) He's macho.

6. Went to a cool cafe in downtown with Naomi, Robert, and Bunny

7. Bought some clothes.

Cool, that's about it. I haven't really much to talk about...

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Love affair.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over this noise," she shook her head modestly and looked out the window.

I watched her anxiously shift in her pencil skirt; I couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking.

"Nothing, it's not important," I told her. She looked back at me and held my gaze for a moment,I wanted to kiss her. I glanced down at her lips and she immediately looked away.

"Why do you look so sad?" I asked her.

She shrugged her shoulders and said "I'm not sure...I don't know where I'm going."
I found myself to be intrigued by her reply. I felt, though, that if I were to ask her another question she'd become irksome and get off at the next stop. I caught her attention and smiled, then I grabbed her hand and kissed her palm. I could tell I startled her because she pulled her hand away and pushed her fragile body against the seat the in an unbecoming fashion; I found this to be quite disappointing because I had disturbed her beautified nature. She stared at me with wide gaping eyes and said, "Wh-what did you do that for?"

I reached for her hand again, "I'm comforting you, is all. Don't be offended."

I could see her body start to relax, but she wasn't convinced. I knew I needed to think of something charming to say, something more suave, but I couldn't come up with anything. Instead, I reached into my breast pocket for a cigarette. I could feel her eyes following my every move, this amused me, so I took my time reaching for my lighter.

After I lit my cigarette, I released a cloud of smoke from my lungs and watched her face become a foggy blur. I knew it was rude to blow smoke in someones face, but I wanted to see her reaction towards my uncanny behavior. She didn't seem to mind at all; She continued to look out the window and watch the grass pass by in an endless charade. I was amused by her nonchalance, so I decided to do it again, blow smoke in her face. She turned her delicate little body away from me and turned her head in my direction, "Please don't do that again, it isn't polite."

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Brief encounter.

Those two days of barely knowing you, I fell in love.
It was a very brief relationship- the shortest I've ever been in and the best I've ever had.
I was in a state of complete bliss running around with you, getting drunk and sharing secrets, kissing your lips, feeling your skin against mine... I wanted all of you for myself. I didn't care about the days to come or if I'd ever see you again. I loved you in that moment and that was all that mattered to me because you made me happy.

It's funny how you just know that someone is right for you, even if it is just for two days.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Do you ever hate when you can't get someone out of your head?

That beautifully sculpted face can't seem to depart from my thoughts, much less my life. I miss seeing that face everyday, criticizing my every move. I miss those eyes squinting at me from behind black tinted shades, those full lips spitting back statements of false flattery. What a fool that I am for loving someone so bitter; how naive a girl can be for loving a boy she knows nothing about.

I miss his hands touching my back, his eyes staring wonderfully into mine, his mouth moving briskly to keep up with his thoughts. His words, which were so softly spoken, carried with them through the airwaves a sadness that had impacted my sensitive ego. He was so charming in every breath, stride, smile, wink, I wanted all of him to be for me only. He made me selfish and I loathe him for it. I loathe him for making me sad and pushing me away the more I tried to be close to him.

I loathe myself for leaving him for someone who wasn't nearly as beautiful. I loathe myself for letting him go. I envy her for being with the person I miss so deeply. I miss the things we used to do together and I can't stand the thought of her taking my place. I want my love back and I can do nothing about it but watch him love her.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


It's nothing but a phase.
Don't worry dear, you'll be okay.

Monday, October 25, 2010


When they come, all darkness will fade.
Light will penetrate your foggy eyes
And will reflect back a color you've never seen before.
An illusion, you may think. A dream, definitely not.
Your idea of a reality is a figment of your perverted thoughts.
To you, nothing exists and no one is anyone.
Confusion clouds your mind when pondering about the life you live.
It's too bad all the time you spend alive is time spent dying.

I'm not very ladylike. I say "fuck" too often.
I guess it's okay because I dress myself very modestly.

Someone told me that I'm a literary romantic; how romance is portrayed in books, that's me. It makes sense because I'm heavily influenced by the books I read.
I love the thought of love. I like the thought of romance. I picture myself dating different guys all the time, but I can never take guys seriously because I can never take myself seriously. It's sad, it really is.


I have so much to say but I don't know how to verbalize my thoughts. I don't know what to do anymore. I miss so many people and it makes me really sad to think about them. Why do they have to move on? Why can't I move on?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sunday Funday

I need to stop smoking weed and start studying.
Parents still aren't home.
I'm reading Frankenstein right now and talking to Joe.
Fuck Mondays.


My parents are in Vegas this weekend and Naomi and Jon spent the night. Jon is a boy. What the hell?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Busy Bee.

There's so much to do in such little time!

1. AP Psychology test
2. Government test
3. Vocabulary Quiz
4. Journal Entry
5. Literature Log
6. Math homework

F my life.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


How cool would that be to have something named after you?
I'm not talking about stars or your best friend's children. No, I'm talking about a building or a bench or a swing set.

Hey, let's meet at a park?
Which one?
Mandy's Hill.

Hella dank. If you're ever named after something, you know someone really loves you or you're really important.

Rainy day two.

What's today? Wednesday?
Another day off from school and I feel great.

Yeah, I have nothing interesting to say.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Rainy day.

I just realized how creepy I look sitting alone in a dark house on the soft corner of my couch listening to the sad drones of Gin Wigmore. I haven't eaten anything since eleven this morning and I'm feeling shaky from the coffee I drank earlier. I never realized how noisy the house is, the doors have a creaky sound and open by themselves (my house isn't haunted, it's just the wind coming in from the garage and open windows), the stairs seem to have a strange thudding noise every few hours, and the fridge drops ice into the water tray like clockwork, and it doesn't help that it's raining out.

I didn't go to school today because it's raining and I absolutely hate wet weather. I woke up at 6:15, heard the rain, and thought to myself Fuck that, I'm staying home. Surprisingly my mom was fine with that and told me to make some soup for lunch, which I didn't do.
I'm feeling a little apathetic today. Maybe because I'm in my pajamas and read pointless news on this app I just downloaded. Oh well.

Homecoming is coming up. Sally has asked me to go with her group and I reluctantly agreed. Then she suggested that she find me a date because "it's my senior year". I don't mind going with a date but I have no idea who she is going to find for me. I think this would be considered a blind date, which could be weird... It actually is weird.

Black males are more likely than any other male to leave their families. I don't know why I just thought of that...

Fare thee well

What would you say if you were on your deathbed right now?
Would you apologize to everyone you were mean to? Would you expect those people to apologize to you?
Would you tell everyone how grateful you are and how much you love them?
Or will you tell them how much you regret not acting upon you're impulses or desires?

If I were on my deathbed, I would be terribly scared. But I'd also be at a happy peace with nature, just knowing that I won't have to deal with the depressions of the World. This Earth is going everywhere but up, I wouldn't want to be living here within the next 20-30 years. Who knows what kind of power pollution will have then?

I don't really know what I'd say, though. I would probably make amends with my first friends in high school. I think I'd apologize to a lot of people that had once a significant place in my life. I'd apologize for being an awful person and just forgetting them as if we never knew each other. It sucks, because now thinking back on all my friends, I miss every single one of them.

I think I'm satisfied with my life, I mean I'm only seventeen, so what can I really do besides smoke weed and go to school? I'm content with my friends right now and I have some cool parents. I'd be sad to leave these people behind but I think when you die, you're somehow reunited with other humans in a spiritual world.

My heaven consists of a grassy hill with a large apple tree; ripe apples fallen on the ground, resting silently in the grass. Lauren, the old family dog, will be waiting for my arrival. He'll greet me cheerfully and we'll lay in the comfort of the tree's shade.
I think it is in heaven where I will become more literate and more of an intellectual. I'll stop caring about other people and I'll just wait patiently to meet my friends and family again. My heaven is a place that I would choose over any other, any day.

So may I, and will I definitely, rest in sweet peace.

Monday, October 18, 2010


I don't know what's wrong with me.
I feel so overwhelmed with so many emotions, it's hard for me to take in.
I feel so sad and regretful. I feel nostalgic and anxious. I don't know what's overcome me.
One minute I feel like crying, then I do cry, and then after a few tears I'm perfectly fine.
This is so weird, I hate feeling like this. I'm so stressed out, I don't feel like doing anything at all, least, not for a while.
I'm a little bummed about my weekend, I don't know if I should feel embarrassed, be upset, or just be completely indifferent to it all. I don't know, I really don't know.
Naomi told me to get over it but I can't just forget it at the snap of a finger. It will definitely take me a while to forget this one, especially if it still has this much of an effect on me. I never realized how hateful such words can be. I despise girls who degrade other girls out of jealousy.

First of all, I'm not twelve, I'm seventeen years old.
Second, I'm a size three, not a fucking thirteen.
Third, I'm a girl, not a little boy.

I'm not a nasty slut, either. Bitch doesn't know shit. I was trying to be nice to her dumb ass.

Oh my goodness, all of my self-confidence has been depleted to almost nothing.
I'm going to be so insecure the next time I go out with Naomi.
I probably won't want to face her friends at all after this.
I hate that I can't defend myself. I hate that I get scared so easily, but I don't like fighting, not even verbally.

Oh my god, I'm being torn apart and according to my sister, that's exactly what they want to happen. Fuck jealous insecure people.

As lame as this may sound, I need a hug.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


That's all I have to say about last night.
I fucking hate everyone.
Thanks for the broken ego, you dumb bitch.
Grow some fucking balls and quit being so fucking stupid.
Grow the fuck up you indecisive jerk.

Goddamnit. It sucks to be me right now.
Why the fuck did I even go?

These people are so dumb.
I don't even understand why people hate other people. I don't understand why girls hate me.

On a lighter note. I love Naomi.
Mandy: I don't want to get shit faced high.
Naomi: Wait, what is that? Did you just make that up?
Mandy: I think I did. I don't even know what shit faced high is.
Naomi: Neither do I.
The next day.
Naomi: Fuck, I was so high.
Mandy: Lets not ever get shit faced high again.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Malfunctioned gaba

I'm sort of obsessed with epistolaries as well as

Why can't I go to sleep at a decent time anymore?

I need a psychology tutor. Real bad.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Happy day.

During fifth period I asked Mr. Mason to look at my resume. He said "Oay, just a second."
So while I was waiting, Mark asked Samantha and me if our Frankenstein books smelled weird. So Samantha smelled hers and said "Yeah, it smells really old."
Then I smelled mine as Mr. Mason was walking up my aisle. As I removed the book from my face he says, "Did you just smell your book?" in this really uncomfortable tone.
I was pretty embarrassed.

Naomi was over earlier.
I told her that I was happy to be spending time with her. Right after I said that she said "Okay, lates!"

Thanks home gurl.

Ms. Owens is honestly one of the best teachers I have ever had. She makes the best jokes and let's me do whatever I want. Today I had to make wedding decorations for a bridal shower she has this weekend. Then we gossiped about men and botox. She is the absolute best!

There was a quiz during fifth period. I pretty much aced it.
1. What color is my shirt?
Answer: Blue
2. What period is this?
Answer: Fifth
3. What is my last name?
Answer: Mason
4. What is the date today?
Answer: October 14th 2010
5. What is the first word of the ninth chapter?
Answer: Nothing

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


As long as you have good intentions, you'll be okay.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Don't be rude, please. It isn't polite.

Monday, October 11, 2010

STFU Already.

Okay so listen to this:
I was sitting on a bench today by myself during fourth period and I was playing a game on my iPad. This guy named Deiji walks by with some girl and when he sees me he starts talking a bunch of shit blah blah blah."Look at her, she thinks she's so cool. She doesn't even have friends, no one likes her..."

Anyway, he doesn't like me anymore because I supposedly chose some other guy over him which is a really dumb reason because I had no interest in him whatsoever. So at first he started becoming really possessive and clingy, and one day he comes up to me and says "Mandy, we need to talk. Now."
So I was thinking to myself What the hell? I'm not your girlfriend. But being the nice person that I am, I ended up saying "Not now Deiji. I have to do my homework."
And then he said "Wow, alright Mandy. Well this is goodbye...forever...I mean it this time."
Uhh okay?? Weird.

Okay, back to my point.
I'm not bothered by him, but I told my mom anyway and she just told me to stay away from him, that he's weird, whatever, all that mom stuff.
I guess she told my dad about what happened, because he came in to my room and said "Dont worry about that guy. People are just jealous because you're pretty and you have things...Want me to tell him something? I'll drive by him at your school...You get five points for hitting a black person."
Hahaha omg. My dads cool.

Sunday, October 10, 2010


I'm obsessed with falling.
Everytime I see a building, cliff, or tall tree I imagine to myself what it would be like to fall off it. I'm not interested in dying or anything, just the feeling of anticipation and fear to know that eventually the peaceful fall is going to come to an end. It all seems so harmless to me, and yet it's so terribly tragic. Sort of ironic, huh?


Backseats are for lovers...they really are.

Dear Naomi,
What did you mean by "write about something important?" What, to you, is important?
Hmm... My imagination needs to be more productive.

I was writing this thing called Unworthy. I wrote it because my best friend at the time wanted to see what kind of stuff I write. I stopped because he stopped talking to me for some absurd reason. I think he was like my inspiration for Unworthy. He's sort of what kept it going. I really want to finish it and print it out because some of the stories I wrote weren't too bad. I need another inspiration. I need to talk to someone interesting and read some more books.

Dear miserly sir,
How can I be of importance to you? I received your letter in the mail on a Tuesday afternoon right after I got home from work. There was only one envelope sitting at the bottom of my mailbox, I thought to myself that it must be one the mailman had left behind. I reached inside and pulled out the envelope. On it, I saw your name written neatly on the right hand side. "Mr. Carlow," I said to myself, "sounds familiar..."
As I walked towards my house, I thought more in depth about the familiar name sitting on the manila envelope.

I don't feel like finishing that sounds forced to me.
My brain is fried.

"Wanna see my view of Paris?"
-Hotel Chevalier

Saturday, October 9, 2010


As I write this, I sit on the floor in my underwear with my head hung and my iPad in between my legs...Naomi and I were supposed to go out and then she just suddenly went MIA.

I guess I can workout and clean my room. I have company coming over tomorrow to work on a project. I feel like reading tonight. After my jog I'm going to drink something cozy and read On the Road and Frankenstein.

I noticed I've been saying "I feel..." a lot. I read my horoscope and it said that's normal for a cancer.

Today my license came in the mail. I really need to retake the picture.
I also looked at cars. I only liked the VW Jetta and the Mazada 3. All the other cars that I might've liked had cloth seats...I just want to drive already!

Ayo for yayo I gotta checkout.


Mandy. Spelled with a Y. Enriquez. E-N-R-I-Q-U-E-Z.

Well, who are you?
I don't fucking know.

Why does everyone ask that question?
And why is that every time that question is asked it's always answered back with a name? Your name doesn't define who you are.
Just tell the person to find out for themselves. And if they don't have the time to do so, then they can use their imaginations.

I'm so moody, it's ridiculous.

I'm feeling really lonely tonight...
I'm going to write God a prayer.

Dear God,
I'm fine, thanks. Thanks for giving me a friend. I appreciate it.
I know I haven't been to church lately, but that's why I'm writing you. So you can see that I still have some faith...I'll work on my attitude, I promise. Christmas is coming up soon, what should I get Jesus?...Nothing? Oh wow, okay.

I hope you aren't offended by my collection of Buddhas.

I was just thinking about that night I met Daniel and how he said something about me opening up to him. That's something I never do. I never open up to anyone. So it was weird for me to just talk to this person I just met and tell them a lot about myself. I wonder why I did that. The alcohol isn't really to blame. I've been drunk before and I've never gotten that deep.

Oh, this funny little thing called trust. Thank you Jack for ruining that for me... I would also like to thank Dantes.

What do you do when a friend betrays you?
-nothing. I don't care enough to do anything.
Why not?
-because if they're going to betray me then they obviously aren't important.

I like to obsess over people that I barely know. But I don't let them know that because that'd be really weird. I scare a lot of boys away and I don't know why.

I like writing here. I can vent to no one in particular.

Do you ever think of the world?

Thursday, October 7, 2010


Donde esta Naomi?
I miss my home girl :(
I feel like she's physically present but mentally she's checked out. I think she misses Santa Ana.

Danielle, my sister, and I are becoming closer. I like being close to my sisters because they're both very nice and they help me out a lot. I'm going to see Brianna this weekend and hang with little Matix. He's going to be two years old next Saturday.

Homecoming...I don't think I'm looking forward to that. I don't like dancing with those boys. If I take Dymond I won't have to worry about dirty little boys grinding on me haha.

I really want to go to Spain.
I'm starting to like my Mexican background. My family is cool.

I've been wanting to go to the arboretum but I don't want to go alone. I need to find someone to take with me so we can look for that cool tree.
"I hate nature, it's so unnatural." Oh Bob Dylan! You're so peculiar.

I confronted my mom about being judgmental yesterday. She wasn't too happy about that.
"If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all."
My mom used to write me letters in my binder and on my homework so when I'd go to school I would read them and it would make my day a little better. But she hasn't done that recently and I sort of want her to.

I want to join writer's club. Not art club or fashion club.
I only joined those clubs because my friends told me to.
I'm easily peer pressured.
No bueno.

Amorous blues.

I'd love to be with an artist so he could appreciate me for all my curves and lines.
I heard that in a movie once and I really liked it.

I was having a conversation with someone today about relationships and I realized a lot of people aren't serious about each other. I know I'm too young and everything, but I want to fall in love with someone. But the only way I can like someone is if I can potentially see myself marrying that weird?
Actually...I don't think that's weird at all. I just don't want to waste time on someone who is going to fuck around and break my heart. It saddens me that most people don't take love seriously. I think love should be a sort of taboo...people should only say it if they mean it. I know that's a cliche thing to say but it's true. Parents should teach their children the importance of love and how to express their emotions towards someone.

I wish my parents were more affectionate towards one another. Then maybe I'd be more open about public displays of affection. I love when I'm touched and kissed but I'm very hesitant to kiss and touch someone back. In past relationships this has been a big problem but I just can't seem to help it. I've been trying to work on it but it's hard to change when you grow up thinking that you shouldn't be affectionate in public.

My goal is to one day fall in love with someone.
I hate those relationships that only last three months.
I can't expose myself to someone and then just break up. I hate that they carry my secrets and wishes and desires with them. Perhaps they're nice enough to not say anything, but you never
If I get into a relationship with someone it has to be for real. One hundred percent.
I only like to please and make sure my boyfriend is happy. I'm not really insecure or anything but if I need to change I will...that probably isn't a good thing but I think I'd do anything to try to make the relationship last. Unless, of course, it's completely clear that we just aren't compatible together.

Hmm, it's funny how this topic came about. I write too much.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


This is literally what's going through my mind:

I think I'm too happy to think haha.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Began to begin

What once was Earth, soon was purgatory, later to be known as hell.
I've been slowly letting myself go into the depths of solitude.
Frolicking in the hungry flames of an angry meadow,
Picking coal for a God that is inconspicuous.
I hold hands with a man that has stained my hands with sin...

I'm thinking of thinking,
Dreaming to dream,
Planning to plan.
Those are my new hobbies that I have began to begin.

In conclusion to the factors that you are female, you will never be able to achieve your life's goals. I appreciate your audacity but as your doctor, I suggest that you take interest in other subjects such as knitting, cooking, and house cleaning... You know, just to be safe.

"Just because you're pretty doesn't mean people are going to like you."
"I know."

I met someone over the weekend. He is very kind and is honest with his words. I've taken a great interest in the things he says. He's good people.
"If we're all made of the same thing then shouldn't we all like each other?" -D. Garcia

Thursday, September 16, 2010

El sol

The sun is a primary cause of my headache... I just might drown in terror.
When I write a letter to Joe I know he'll never read it but I still enjoy telling someone about my day. Senior year is going well minus all the homework I've been getting. Naomi and I have been making acquaintances and reconnecting with old friends. We have also been creating relationships with boys that we don't really like. We smoke weed when it's around and laugh at the most stupidest shit. I feel bad though, next year when I leave she isn't going to have anyone to hang out with. I think I'm going to help her make friends with people in her grade so she won't be completely lonely next year. It's kind of funny how we became friends, her and I, it was almost as if we were fated to be together. Ever since the first day of school we've been connected by the hip. We aren't that much alike but we get along pretty well which is good I guess. I'm starting to realize that even though high school may suck, it can still be fun. I think I still have a lot to learn about myself and these people I've spent the last fours years with so I'm going to fuck around as much as possible.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Algebra 2 Blues

Naomi said, "I am so lost!"
Mandy replied, "Get a map."
Naomi scowled.

Naomi asked, "May I go to the bathroom?"
"Sure," said the teacher

<12 minutes later>

Naomi shows Mandy a new schedule and says, "I'm out of here bitch!"

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Spoon full of lust

I've gotten engaged to a handsome man with aquatic eyes and chocolate tresses.

Friday, August 6, 2010


The best thing you can see in a human lifetime is your name written in the clouds.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

What a while it's been

I count my minutes as the hour goes by.
Grab your watch or else I'll steal it;
I was born to be a thief.

My old man never felt sympathy for me.
He just wanted a friend like I want a lover.

No one is important.
No one is famous,
Just well-known.

Morning misery you are so gay
Coming in at late summer
When I've began to be lazy
I wish you'd go away
Oh, this morning glory
I mourn your absence
When you left in the winter
I was in a lonely state of arrogance.

I smoke weed because I enjoy the feeling I get when I stare at myself blanky in a wall. I've learned to control the laughter and I erupt with chatter to make it obvious. My paranoia is something like the Cold War we just left.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Summer is a bummer

Summer rain, I hear you bring great things to our land, so why don't you answer to my prayers?
Oh the pain, I cannot endure much longer; I suffer in my own misery.
I plan to go insane with this lacking amount of water.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Raining Men

I'm in love with these men

Christopher Mintz-Plasse a.k.a McLovin'

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Justin Beiber

Enrique Iglesias

Robert Pattinson

Gaspard Ulliel

Shia Labeouf

James Franco

Saturday, May 1, 2010


I cut nine inches off my hair, and my head feel pounds lighter.
The only down side is that it doesn't look too great curly so I have to straighten it now.

I've been having awful writer's block and it's really pissing me off.
School sucks. People are lame. There's nothing to do. No one interesting to talk to.
Nothing exists anymore.

The Picture of Dorian Gray
"But beauty, real beauty, ends where an intellectual expression begins."
"You like everyone; that is to say, you are indifferent to everyone."
"I make a great difference between people. I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects."

I want things that I can't achieve while living in this city.
I think about people that I don't talk to anymore almost everyday.
I write better when I'm sad.

I wish I can live in this picture.
Taken by Dennis Stock

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

April rain

Someone once told me: The more people who hate me the less I have to worry about.

The Earth is really starting to shake itself up.
Earthquakes, tsunamis, volcano eruptions, and this weather...?
Oh well, we'll die in ignorance.

Check out this cool cat

This is my nephew, Matix. He is one years old and his favorite words are daddy and happy.

Living in a life full of pumpkins;
Orange and round with faces
Like that of gobilins.

I just finished reading Fahrenheit 451 which was extremely good.
I'm reading The Kite Runner now and I'm enjoying that one as well.
I would quote, but the books are no where near me.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Spring Break

It is officially Spring Break!
I am so excited to finally get the sleep that I've been needing for the past two weeks.

Goals for spring break (subject to change at any moment):
  • finish reading the diary of Anne Frank
  • finish Farenheit 451 (for English)
  • start reading Kite Runner or Naked Lunch (again)
  • watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
  • get a little tan
  • teach Molly how to walk on a leash
  • clean out closet
  • figure out how to use the Nook
Bob Dylan, The Beatles, The Kinks, and The Smiths are my new lovers.
These bands and artist never fail to arouse me with some sort of emotion.
Everytime I listen to their songs I get a sense of what life was like back in the day....when music was good and made sense.
Hmm if only time travel was possible.

Random fact about myself:
I've noticed I'm starting to lose interest in white guys. I think guys that are a little more ethnic or exotic, whatever you want to call it, are more exciting to be intimate with.

I sort of want to get some bangs but the curls in my hair won't agree with them, and I really don't want to straighten my hair everyday. Sooooo maybe bangs aren't such a good idea.
Hm, I feel like I should do something new with my appearance but I don't know what. Maybe I'll go from brown eyeliner to black. Or pink lipstick to red. Gee, somebody slap me with a fish.

I have this friend (I'll call him Bobby Smith) and I want to dress like him but more girlish, of course.
He wears a lot of plaid and collars but nothing close to preppy.
Bobby Smith is a bit like this:

You get the point.

So...a man can't give his address out to bad company.
Advice from Bob Dylan; Absolutely Sweet Marie is the song.

platonic love
an intimate companionship or relationship, esp. between two persons of the opposite sex, that is characterized by the absence of sexual involvement; a spiritual affection.

Goodbye California,
I will write to you on some other fine night.
But until then... rest in sweet peace.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Only all night

“I might have a girlfriend by tomorrow,” said the one with a ‘fro.
“Did you lose a bet?”
“No,” the one said, “I have been talking to her for a week and I think I’m going to ask her for her hand tomorrow.”
“Oh. Congratulations.”
“Very much thanks… don’t think you’ll be seeing much of me anymore. I’ve got a life of my own now. Good being friends with you.”

The one with a ‘fro found a new heavenly love and with no sympathy the one decided to overwhelm this new miss with his undivided love. I wonder if that miss knows that her ‘fro is an architect of destruction. She must be masochistic because I’d never love a man who misuses his hands. I have never seen this miss but I will assume she fits in the ‘fro’s pocket…’fro is very controlling but has no control of where the hips go…that is (unfortunately) not for love making.

“I’ll give you guys a thousand years.”
“Don’t humor me with your unedifying innocence- I can never live that long.”

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


God, I'm so gross.
I don't have anything to talk about anymore.
Look at your shoes. I look at them everytime you walk by and I judge you.
How does that make you feel?

land of Nod means sleep.

I don't like my latin teacher for the embarrassing things he makes our class do.
I don't like socializing with those kids and I think he knows it.
So of course, he makes me "spend time" with the class.
Stupid latin. oiashfioeh!

Naked Lunch quotes:
Ever make sex in no gravity?
Be just and if you can't be just, be arbitrary.
I don't want your money, Honey: I want your time.
You look to me like a man of intelligence.
Three thousand years in show business and I always keep my nose clean. Besides I don't hafta take any shit off any uncircumcised cocksucker.
I'm a fuckin' holy man as of right now.
Life is a school where every pupil must learn a different lesson.
Now, baby. I got it here to give. But if you won't receive it there's just nothing I can do.
Sweet dreams Pantopon Rose.

Ohhh William Burroughs, you really know how to make someone's skin crawl.
Good talent, good stuff you got.

One last thought.
I want to play with a toddler.
If anyone has a baby that needs some lovin', call me.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Kings & Queens

Leonard Nimoy photographs obese women.
What an interesting career...

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter est en me ear.

There is an owl outside my window sitting on a tree branch
He keeps looking in to my room to see if I'll notice him
When I walk up to him to see what he wants
He asks me "Who?"
And I say "Mandy"
He shakes his head and asks again "Who...who?"
I do not understand what he's asking for
I turn my back to him and head for bed
But before I can take five steps he grabs my arm
I say "Let go"
And he shakes his head no and asks again "Who...who...who killed the man?"
I ask "What man?"
He points a feather towards the golf course and says "That one"
I look to where he is pointing to and see a man hanging from a pine tree
I told the owl "No one killed him, he killed himself"
And the owl flew away.

Happy Easter, fair child.
Why do easter bunnies carry eggs when bunnies are mammals?

Weather smells of women

"To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.”
Rudolph Valentino

"A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy."
Friedrich Nietzsche

"I won't quit to become someone's old lady."
Janis Joplin

Saturday, April 3, 2010

World War 3

Dear World,
Please don't kill yourself with nuclear weapons because I do not want to see my children die in a mushroom cloud. I know that asking for world peace is more than you can possibly give, but let's not put a repeat on history.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sun is in the way

I have no such luck walking into a strip club and getting a bang for my buck.
What's wrong with me? My good looks too intimidating for them strippers?
Or is it my lack of sexual experience that makes me look like a prude?

All these people, all these crazy fucking people.
They walk together in their schedules and rush when they’re late.
I want to squeeze their brains out of their asses and kick their dreams out of their ears.
They aren't going to achieve shit with their morals and religions.
No education is good enough because the bar has been set too high.
They can’t even spell their own names much less read the classics.
The words will just slip out of their plastic heads in to the vacant emptiness of an A.

These people, all these fucking people.
What are they going to do when their families disobey them?
Why can't they see that the animals around them will feed on their flesh when they die?
They do everything so aimlessly because they think they know it all.
They don't know shit.
No one knows anything except for the first mothers to have birthed us.
But those life forms are dead now and their DNA is no longer existent.
The monkeys are the closest things we got to family.
My monkey mother and monkey father are the ones who feed me and who keep me out of trouble.
Not my human mother and my human father.
No, they live in the zoo and throw shit at the innocent monkey families.

These people, all these fucking people.
They have nothing to show for.
They can't get a job with all that hair on their heads.
No fucking way am I going to have my food tainted with black strands of hair.
I'd spit in their faces if they tried to put that in my mouth.
If I’m expected to eat such impurities, they should be expected to shit it out.
They should be expected to kneel down every time someone walks by them.
Ignorant cowards can’t even look me in the eye because I speak the unwanted truth.

These people, all these fucking people.
I'm not gonna stand here anymore and watch them criticize my sexuality.
If I want to have sex with a man, I will do it.
If a woman wants me to seduce her on the dancing pole, I will do it.
They don’t even know where their reproductive organs are.
Try explaining to them what an orgasm is and all you get is a shit-faced remark.
All you gotta do is tell all those freaks to walk on the left side of the road.
They’ll know you’re serious when they hear the sarcasm in your voice.
They’ll respect all your demands and will kiss your feet.

God damn these people… all these fucking people.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Kill me now

Writer's Block sucks.
I need inspiration!

A wonderful masterpiece by a man named David Bray.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Got nothin'

I just saw The Runaways with my sister
It deserves five stars because I don't think any movie can give you a better rush.
I'd watch it eight million times for the rest of my life.

Woman are alot more attractive than men.
They are more fluid and graceful in their movements
No wonder why men are so damn horny

I'm not a fucking lesbian,
But she's pretty damn hot

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Roger Murder (explicit)

Pumpkin Seeds/Broken heart/Queer men/Unequal Soul/Hateful children/Roger Murder

Roger Murder is a special kind of man. He presents every woman he meets with shivery chills running along their veins. He is a charming man but his good looks have failed him a countless amount of times. He’s fucked all the wrong women and loved the ones who can’t keep up with their own mouths. All his bad luck has left him swollen with insecurity and for these unfortunate events Roger has taken up bad habits and awkward fetishes: He smokes marijuana everyday and drops acid every chance he gets, he rubs the oil of pumpkin seeds on his dick to make it slippery and fucks the hole he punched in the wall. About once a month he writes drunken letters to his ex-girlfriend telling her that she’s a slut for leaving him all alone and that he would like his things back (she took the furniture from his apartment as well as his beloved cat) because he cannot live with just a sunken-in bed stained with sweat and semen and an old television with a broken antenna. Roger doesn’t believe in broken hearts because he never had one to break; his blood is pumped by a metal cylinder that takes the place of an abandoned heart.

Let me tell you a little secret about Roger Murder. When he is alone on Saturday nights, he likes to invite the queer men over from the straight bar two blocks down. He shares with them appetizers and soothes them with music. He is sure to mix small amounts of alcohol and sometimes roofies into their carbonated juices. When they are sedated and unaware of where they are, he lures them to his room and poses them on his bed. He starts off with friendly poses and as his lust grows, the poses become more naked and seductive. Eventually he gives in to his irresistible itch and strips the men of all their belongings. He’s sure to dress them up in condoms and lube and gets them ready for what he likes to call “A rainy day surprise”. He inserts all their dicks into his orifices, sometimes two or three at a time. He counts how many breaths he can take before exploding on the mens’ faces… he can never breathe more than thirteen. When he has a man fuck him in the ass, he feels a shockwave of pain as the hole tries to fit itself around the dick penetrating it. Then, he feels his whole body clench and release and his dick spurts all over his carpet, into a stranger’s mouth. When he has finished, he puts the men back into their clothes and shoos them away. He deletes all the pictures except for one; he keeps his favorite one and stores it away in a secret drawer.

At times Roger will participate in amateur voodoo sessions with an African tribal woman he found at Wall Street. He meets her behind an abandoned grocery store and gives her uterus a quick flush and seduces her. She pays him good money, but money isn’t what he wants. He wants to see her do a tribal dance, this tribal dance pushes her ghost out from her body and it floats aimlessly around the alley and looks for a new host to live within. She says it’s an unequal soul that can never be justified with the ordinary human. The ghost is not satisfied with the tribal woman’s body because she has multiple identities that don’t make sense and are lethal to many fragile creatures. She once invited Roger to one of her gigs. He saw that her audience wasn’t able to comprehend what they were about to experience. He thought “this woman is fucking nuts…” and in all truth, she was. She did her dance and everyone watched in horror and awe as her green ghost snaked its way out of her mouth and into the faces of hateful children. Her show was immediately stopped and she was carried off stage by eight cops. The audience she held was shocked and frozen with amazement, they couldn’t move their feet from the ground, they couldn’t even open their mouths to translate what they just saw, and they just stood motionless. Roger Murder noticed the mood of the crowd and clapped for his tribal woman with tearful eyes. He went home and peeled back his finger nails and eyelids. He mailed them to the woman for good luck and found a home in an unburied coffin. He will spend the rest of his life lying next to a rotting corpse that was never once a failure.

Roger Murder is, indeed, a special kind of man.

Busta Rhymes

We are on a conquest to conquer
We have eaten every piece of your damned father
The president couldn't decide if he should call her
Because the powered man's wife put him in a collar.

The Romans have built many substantial roads
They kept in mind the strippers who walk in loads
They fear to hear the sorrowful cries of poisonous toads
So they sing out a false cry of heroic odes.

Lately an urban wife has to fight to please
But her lonesome husband will never be at ease
Because his promiscuous wife is a tease
And the only career she'll ever be good at is one like a sleaze.

I hear the eyes are the window to one's soul
But what if all you see is coal?
Does that mean you are cowardly like a newborn foal?
Or are you just repulsive like your sister's mole?

Them Japanese only drink wine
And accompany it with the meat of swine
Don't ever ask a drinking man if he is fine
Or else he'll drown you in iodine.

I follow all my impulses
I'm in the middle of an inecscapable crisis
And now I watch a drunken man as he pisses
I hope he shoots and misses...

I'm going to come out to America and tell them I am a Communist
I wish for them to inject me with chemicals and spray me with toxic mist
I will only fight back with a defensive fist
Eventually I will agree to their demands but only if they insist.

If by will or if you do
The cops will find out that you are a Jew
Disappointment they meet when they encounter the star you stained blue
Crippled then, they will cut your nose off and feed it to the sickly few.

Your man lives amongst the black Cubans
He hides his scorn in apathetic hymns
He wishes to dance naked with the red Indians
But he can't walk because his feet were substituted for fins.

It's not for what you didn't do, it's for what you did
You struck me with a knife and hid
You're an addicted gambler with a startling bid
Too bad for you, you're overrated.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Are you being sinister?

“Most of the trouble in this world has been caused by folks
who can't mind their own business, because they have no business
of their own to mind, any more than a smallpox virus has.”

William Burroughs

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Oh, very nice.

 Today looks like a nice day to tan.
Or maybe I'll hang out with one of my sisters.

Outta body, outta mind.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Vacant Lot Troubles

Hello there, my nonexistent reader.
My name is Mandy and I am sixteen years old.
I hate the school that I go to and I so badly want to move to San Francisco.
I have an interest in most things bitter, negative, derogratory, and just plain sinister.
I also have an interest in love and happiness.
I am happy with my friends, they are very generous people.
I am not happy with my past friends and boyfriend for they are not generous.
Sometimes I write poetry and sometimes I write short stories.
I never like to share it with anyone because I hate criticism, although I'll be the first critisize someone else.
I'm a stubborn person and I tend to get mad easily.
I hold grudges and I can easily forget people who were once a big part of my life.
It's hard for me to open up to people because I have trust issues.
I've never been in love and with all my past realtionships I'm starting to think love is only for the lucky people.
I like to think that I'm mature for my age but somedays I can act like a five year old.
I have a very good memory and bad hearing.
I wish I wasn't so shy and could be more assertive.
Sometimes I wish I could've done some things differently, but its all said and done and I can't turn it around anymore.
I have a hard time letting go of things and I let my anger overpower me.
When I'm upset I have a need to hit something.
I usually don't act like myself when I'm at school.
I fear that people don't like me becuase I'm quiet.
I hate being in large groups; I get very nervous when I meet new people.
I sometimes compare myself to cats.
I say the wrong things to the wrong people.
I'm open minded most of the time and I have a large imagination.
I don't really know what I am passionate about yet and that bothers me.
I'm pretty independent and prefer to do most things alone.
I talk to myself sometimes.
I don't understand many things and I have a hard time accepting that.
I think this world is sad... I think many things are sad.
I look up to Janis Joplin.
I express alot of my emotions through facial expressions because I have a hard time expressing myself orally.
My mother is concerned for my well-being and I'm concerned for her emotional health.
I have a lot of confidence but I'm self concious about a few things.
I always daydream about sex, death, and love.
The thought of the world ending scares me.
I wish I could go back to 1969.
I want to meet someone who makes me feel like I'm going on a joy ride to heaven.
I sometimes like to make people feel uncomfortable and ask personal questions.
I wonder what I'd be like if I were to live somewhere else.
I've been told I'm a rather complicated person.
I like to live in a fantasy world.

Make you my pet.

Today started off great and ended great, but everything in between was just a little stressful.
Thank God It's Friday!
The weekend honestly needs to be longer because I don't get enough sleep during the week.
I wore my Janis Joplin shirt and was rather proud of my Latin teacher when he recognized her name written around my collar.
The presentation on Claude McKay went well. I'm glad to have gotten it out of the way.

I just remembered a conversation I had with my brother-in-law
Rick: Your middle name is Thomas?
Mandy: Not anymore, it used to be. I just like it better than Marie.
Rick: Oh, why is it Marie now?
Mandy: My stepdad adopted me so while they were changing my last name they decided to change my middle name too.
Rick: (nodds understandingly) And your first name is Mandy...?
Mandy: Ha...yes...

So the freshmen in my latin class are very annoying.
Today in the middle of the lesson a girl asks to go to the bathroom.
Jule: Magister, can I go to the bathroom?
Mr. J: Not right now. After the lesson you can.
Jule: Its an emergency!
Mr. J: Okay, well I'm almost done with the lesson.
Mr. J: Oh-okay then...G-go, go.

I'm not exactly sure what to do with my money. I'm thinking of the following:
A) Save it.
B) Buy clothes or some shoes
C) Buy a movie on iTunes
I think I'll choose C. Final answer.

Copy Pictures, Images and PhotosI need to get a bicycle buddy. This weather calls for a ride on the streets and perhaps some frozen yogurt. Yum!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Et tu Brute?

0 Period Art- Colored a mutated drawing of my partner
1 Period Latin- Noticed a cute guy who now sits in the front (yay!)
2 Period Oceanography- B. Garcia and Alec are very hysterical when they are together
Break-Talked about the latin cutie with Em and Will
3 Period English- Talked to Fernandez and listened to a poem... then we read a poem
4 Period History-  Read aloud for a bit and took notes
Lunch- Talked some more about the latin cutie and ran in to my ex...and his girlfriend
5 Period Algebra2- Made a new friend and had my hair braided

I wrote this in math today:
The movie scripts of unwritten sound strike my ensemble and I have fallen romantically in love with a queer gentleman.

And this one came about right before I showered:
You are hung up on the phone
Yes, so I'm dancing; I'm dancing all alone.
Don't pay no mind, it ain't so bad.
I'm enjoying the view: you're body is scantily clad.

So this weather change was greatly needed because all that winter weather was bringing me down.
Thank God for Spring!

Mom: Try the yellow rasberries, they're like rasberries but they're yellow.
Mandy: I can see that...

I have to give a presentation tomorrow on Claude McKay.
He's a good writer but I don't care for his style.
No quiero, no me gusta. Ay, esta malo.

As one baker say to another: Butter me up, slippery and wet.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


School is like hell, but the souls never get fully burned.

"I just miss the feeling of our bodies pressed against one another as you whimpered in my ear and we took deep breaths...," said the friendly B. Garcia
"You should write books," replied the nonchalant Mandy.

Teenage Boys + High School = aklsfjpasfj
I can't wait until I graduate!

These kids right here are damn cool.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I want you.

Undefining moments have defined the moment when I fell in love with you.
An interest in everything but yourself is to be sought after by a fine messiah.
Public agents are unworthy in the fact that they are not private.
Sound documents are useless to those who have failed their ears.
I never think about you because I always see you.
Don't think this is funny; this is how I feel about your addiction.

"Only the gentle are every really strong," said James Dean.